27 Reasons My Life is Not How I Planned it to be at 27

SEPTEMBER 21, 2014

Photo: Emily Long


1) I still have roommates: For some reason when I pictured myself at 27, that meant I would be an adult, and that meant I’d be living in a luxurious apartment by my lonesome. Well, I don’t. I have three roommates and I’m confident I’m the the absolute worst person to live with because I’m pretty crazy.

2) I don’t look like Kelly Kapowski: If you asked my 9 year old self what I would look like as a 20 something, I would have sassily said “Kelly KaPOWski, DUH!”. (And yes, I over-annunciated the ‘pow’)..

3) I’m not in a stable relationship: At 27, I should be married, right? Engaged? Or at least in a healthy, stable monogamous relationship (possibly with Zack Morris)? Cut to reality where I’m a commitment-phobe, and I fall for the most ridiculous people. Ever.

4) I can’t 100% pay for groceries myself: True story – I go home to my mom and dad’s house so my they will take me grocery shopping and so I can raid their pantry for goods. I pretend it’s a barter system we have going (my time and love for some nutrients), but really just I need my parents to pay for shit. Thanks to me, they can never retire.

5) My sister pays my phone bill: Thank you, Megan. Please never stop paying my phone bill because if you go away, I will have no connection to the outside world.

6) I still really REALLY enjoy teen dramas: My God do I love Pretty Little Liars. I watch that show and think “I can barely pay rent, but at least A isn’t trying to murder me and my friends.”

7) I don’t have my dream job: I’m 27, I quit my job and now wait tables for not a lot of money, write nonsense on the internet for free and possibly am starting over at a potential dream job. Is anyone clawing for my employment situation?

8) I thought I’d have some sort of pet: I WANT A PUPPY! I should be happy I’m responsible enough to know I can’t actually take care of another living and breathing thing, but I still want one! Maybe a fish?

9) I get homesick an insane amount of times: I’m an adult (kind of) and I get homesick. I live an hour from my parents, so I should grow a pair, but if I go more than 1 month, I’m an intolerable person until I spend a night in my childhood bedroom.

10)  My handwriting is not elegant and like calligraphy: I still write like a 12-year-old boy and it’s not cute anymore.

11) I can’t cook proper meals for myself: I never was, am or will be a good cook. I burn shit and have only sort of perfected making a quiche. I hope my future man isn’t prone to high cholesterol because bro will be eating a lot of eggs.

12) I still fall for boys that will never be my life partner: I’m really unsure of how I feel about casual dating, but I can only assume I’m doing it wrong.

13) I’m not wifed up with Leo DiCaprio: I’m 100% confident that Leo DiCaprio and I will fall in love and spend the rest of our lives together. I’m not letting this one go. My heart will go on.

14) I still get really jealous when I see people’s lives going swimmingly on Facebook: I never thought I’d still have that insane envy when looking at Facebook profiles of people from high school, but damnit, those people were morons. Why and how are they affording fancy vacations?!?

15) My fashion sense has not improved: My love for polka dots is way too intense. I should be over this pattern by now and I’m just not.

16) My diet is that of a tween: I really want to eat cupcakes for every meal. All the time. And sometimes I do.

17) Things that grab my attention are those of a tween: Balloons and sparkles get me way too excited.

18) My celebrity crushes are on the verge of inappropriate: I fall in love in about two music videos with every boy band way too frequently.

19) I can’t perform a proper manicure on myself: I still can’t neatly paint my right hand with fun nail polish because I am right handed. I thought this skill would just come to me in my adult years.

20) I have to budget when it comes to hair products: I still buy the cheapest shampoo and conditioner because that shit is way too expensive.

21) Shaving my legs is the hardest thing in the world: I still can’t shave my legs without wounding myself.

22) The banking system is still confusing to me: I don’t balance my checking account like an adult. It takes me too long to write out a check.

23) My sleepwear and my whole sleeping situation: I’ll tell you right now, my pj’s never match, I sleep in a twin bed, and I still wear a night guard at night. All of that is extremely sexy, I know.

24) My hair is still a hot mess: I thought by now my hair would be wavy and L’Oreal commercial like. It’s not— it’s always in a messy top knot and unbrushed.

25) I still don’t really know how to do my make up: You would think I just got permission from my mom to wear makeup in public. I only just started wearing blush and I’m lucky if my mascara isn’t smudged by noon.

26) My language skills: I didn’t think I would still love speaking in acronyms and abbreviations, but WTF, I say YOLO and BTW way too often and it’s not kosh’ in the real world.

27) I certainly never planned to be writing a list on 27 reasons my life is a little bit in shambles at 27.

**Update on the job front since writing this post… 27 IS the year you can land that dream job just watch a lot of Netflix while you apply to jobs; It’s somehow inspirational

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