Photo: Alice Plati
I knew that I had to do something big. I was in a funk. Professionally, I was doing pretty well. I had a successful career for four years working in casting for film and television, and I now switched to acting and was able to land an agent. I had hired a personal trainer and was in the best shape of my life. I had broken up with the boyfriend who didn’t treat me well.
Things were great. Simply fantastic.
But why didn’t I feel fantastic?
No matter how great everything seemed to be going on the outside, it wasn’t going that well inside. I lived alone in the middle of Hollywood in a studio apartment. I didn’t really have many friends because I worked so much in my day job as a personal assistant. My mind could never settle down – literally. I couldn’t sleep well at night, with my mind running circles around itself. I never knew if the decisions I made were the right ones. I was 25 years old, and things were supposed to be easy peasy at this point. What the hell??
That’s when my mom’s friend suggested I do a telecourse with a woman named Crystal Andrus. A telecourse? I had never heard of this either.
I figured it couldn’t do any harm to go on the website and see what this woman was about. After all, I was never one to shy away from these types of challenges. So I kept an open mind. On her website I learned her modus operandi was healing women – helping them lose weight, get over their fears, change their views on life, and rid them of the ghosts of their past. My past had many, many ghosts and could definitely use a bit of cleaning. The sage I had bought from Santa Monica one Sunday afternoon was good and all, but I needed more.
Of course I was skeptical of someone who claimed to heal and charged $500 for it. I was being cynical. Anyone who said Los Angeles made you soft, and New York made you hard wasn’t an artist. I was harder than a pastrami sandwich on rye that had been sitting in the sun for a month. It’s just that I had tried to do it myself, and I couldn’t. And I knew that my mom’s friend would never steer me in the wrong direction. I threw my prudence into the L.A. smog and went to work.
I dug in my heels that week and started the course with 500 other anonymous women worldwide. Crystal conducted the course over the telephone. She took us through soul-searching exercises with panache and an inner wisdom I had only experienced a few times before. She gave us homework, and made all of us cry.
Various women spoke during the call, and opened up about their own problems. There were rape victims, women in unhappy marriages, women who had it all but still battled low self-esteem. Women from all walks of life all over the world joined in at the same time every week. Somehow, it was comforting to realize that there were other women twice my age having the same issues that I was having. I was taking the time to figure it out now at 25 years old, rather than wait until I was 50.
I was not prepared for the downpour of emotions that washed over me every Wednesday evening. Sitting down in my apartment alone with just me, the telephone, Crystal, and my personal fears, it was palpable the amount of work I had to do on myself – work that I didn’t even knew existed.
After each session my mind buzzed with clarity, and I felt like I didn’t need her or this telecourse anymore. I thought I had it all figured out, only to realize during the next session that I had nothing figured out. But knowing that I knew nothing was somehow more comforting than thinking I should know something.
She told us to write down our goals for the next six months, and she promised us that in six months, we would accomplish them. I wrote down my goals: finding a man whom I respect and adore and feels the same towards me, starting my first novel, and traveling.
Six months later, I was in love with a British man who had all the traits I wanted and more, I had moved to England and started a novel called “Three Questions” that is now published.
Sometimes it’s worth it to take that time to figure out what you want and why. And it’s ok to do it with the help of others. We can all make the time if we really want to.