The Bachelor Factor

JANUARY 7, 2013

 

Three years ago, when I decided to start recapping the Bachelor, I was called names. Most of the time it was just “Ben”, but others it was “weird,” “crazy,” and “not actually a man even though you have a really sweet beard.”

And I didn’t mind one bit.

I started religiously watching the show because I refuse to go out on Monday nights and I didn’t have cable at the time — but ABC came in crystal clear, and one can only watch so many shows about cakes that look like ponies, although I’m not sure how in the hell I got Food Network anyway. I started the blog (which at the time was located over at TheKingsburyFactor.com) to entertain myself and about three other people. I kept it going because at least four people actually read and nobody else was really dishing a relentlessly honest, straight-dude’s perspective on the exploits of men with awesome deltoids and their ability to rappel down a building face alongside 25 objectively attractive women.

So hopefully you’ll check my recaps at BatchSlap.com (and follow the crap out of @GetBatchSlapped), but I’ll also be hitting Quarterlette with weekly, shorter-form updates to get you primed for the show¬†because the lovely gals over here told me how much many of you love watching, even if you hate yourself for doing so.

This week, since nothing has happened yet and I’m not Miss Cleo (or AM I?!? Yeah, I’m not.), I decided to put together some Vegas-style odds on the chance of certain events occurring during the premiere. If you want to actually bet against someone, you’re awesome, and should do that, and let me know how it goes. Otherwise, just enjoy.

5 to 1 — Sean takes his shirt off, even though this is the episode during which they attend the kind of fancy cocktail party that consistently requires clothes.

1 to 1 — The 31 year-old chick with a kid makes it through clean to the second episode even though Sean considers puking when she tells him about said kid.

1 to 15 — Sean does pushups or some other form of strength-displaying physical activity

1 to 4 — Things are mad weird for Paige because of her appearance on Bachelor Pad

1 to 8 — Sean reminds us that he played football in college

100 to 1 — Highlights of Sean playing football in college are shown (Hint: this is a terrible bet, because there aren’t any, as he didn’t actually play

10,000 to 1 — Sean brings up some juicy details between his former football teammate¬†and his sister….

30 to 1 — Someone realized that this Lauren chick is in fact Kristin Cavallari

1 to 1 — Selma is a goddamn babe

6 to 1 — One of the girls tells Sean that she would still date him even if he actually lived with his parents in a room filled with really old glasses of milk

1 to 100 — This Keriann girl has never actually entrepreneured anything

1 to 1 — I try to convince you to read this completely unrelated story I wrote about getting onto the Price is Right, just because I think you should.

1 to 50 — Someone gets really drunk and put to bed

1 to 25 — A girl sings Sean a song she wrote just for him

1 to 1 — Chris Harrison is cooler than anyone you know

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