The Bachelor Breakdown

JANUARY 15, 2013

Photo Credit: ABC Network

Well hello again. After last week’s intro post, the Quarlerlette girls were nice enough to welcome me back, even though I have federal agents on my tail. But that was for something other than being your totally honest dude’s-perspective blogging source for everything Bachelor. Like, selling bootleg speakers to the elderly or something. ANYWAY, be sure to check out and give me a quick Twitter follow at @getbatchslapped — in addition to the recaps that Leo Tolstoy once called “something really coarse, in Russian”, I also try to tweet as much as possible during the shows.

This week, we’re taking a look at my three top contenders so far:

1) Desiree: My lord is she cute. Over at BatchSlap I said she had a little Winnie Cooper thing going on, and other people told me no, she has a little Natalie Portman thing going on, and I was like, “Winnie Cooper!!” and they were all “Natalie Portman!!!”, and then I stopped being friends with those people.

One week later, I’ve realized she looks like neither. She’s what creepy 70-year-old Hollywood casting agents call a “fresh face.” She’s also sweet as hell, and took Sean’s ill-conceived art-breaking prank right in stride, proving that she’s really committed to making it far — if that happened on a real, everyday, non-Bachelor date, I’m sure she would’ve smashed another piece of crappy fake art over the dude’s head and left forever. But she held back, played it cool, giggled, and pretended like nothing was the matter. Then she did the same thing with that horrible steak Sean “cooked” for her.

On a side note, I’m still not friends with those Natalie Portman people.

2) Lesley M: When she did that whole video-intro thing all buttoned up and looking uber-DC, I was like, “this chick seems waaaay too serious and probably has something to do with my $2.73 tax refund last year.” But now I realize that was all the fault of my accountant, Mr. Block. Nice guy, he has an office in the mall.

She’s very cute, definitely smart, and seems fit, which you know Senor Deltoids cares about…no, I’m not sure why Sean’s Spanish all of a sudden. I also thought she showed some real initiative by going over to Sean specifically to make out with him, then wussing out and not doing it, and then going BACK over to Sean, and actually making out, successfully. Most chicks would’ve fallen apart after the first fail and waited until next week — instead, she made a name for herself, even though another girl on the show also has that same name.

3) Selma: She’s a babe! Schwing!! Other Wayne’s World references!! She dated a pro baseball player before this, so she knows how to handle such dudes. Do I think she’s going to win? No, absolutely not. She’s just too many things that Sean doesn’t seem into — mainly, um, really sexual. But she knows how to have a fun conversation in a situation where that’s basically impossible, and is enjoyable to look at even if he’s afraid to touch. Until some more legit contenders show up, I’m sticking with her for No. 3. She’ll be here for a while.

And be sure to check out this week’s full recap at!

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