Gwyneth Paltrow has always been a bit of a controversial figure, and this news of her “conscious uncoupling” is no different. Though public opinion is not always in her favor, I’m not ashamed to admit that I own both of her cookbooks, in addition to subscribing to goop. Sure, she’s hawking items that are worth more than I will ever be, but hey, she gives you something to aspire to. As show of solidarity I looked to her most recent (beautiful) cookbook, It’s All Good (is it?!) and her recipes on goop to guide me through a weekend of GP living.
I’ve got the day off, so Friday morning I decide on her version of avocado toast. It’s simple and I love both avocado and toast. It is as delicious as I thought it would be. I then do the Bar Method DVD I purchased several months ago but have not yet tried, because if not now, when? I am not used to bending in such a way, but I think I like it.
One black bean, corn, and avocado bowl later I head out to happy hour, rationalizing that Gwyn is a social being known for enjoying herself. Self-satisfied, I eschew beer and sip on vodka sodas, positive she would be proud. Five hours and three bars later I find myself in the diviest of establishments where I am forced to take pumpkin shots. Is this organic? I wonder to myself as I wait. When they arrive, adorned in what must be months old jack-o-lantern Peeps, I decide that no, they are not organic. Two pumpkin shots later and I’m at the pizza place across the street. Gwyn has a pizza oven, so I feel like she would be okay with this. I notice framed photos of Kim and Kourtney Kardashian and am comforted by the fact that this establishment has the Kardashian seal of approval. I consider getting two slices, but I’ve got Gwyn in my ear and decide against it. Moderation.
Saturday I wake up nauseous and cursing all things pumpkin. I settle on the avocado toast again for breakfast—if it ain’t broke, you know? I decide against doing the DVD, as I’m sure Gwyn would agree that a day of rest is essential. Plus, I fear doing it would cause my avo toast to come up, and I’m nearly positive vomiting is not part of the Paltrow diet plan. I go back to bed and awake several hours later, famished.
In my hungry daze I forget to pick up my laundry. My mind drifts to the Turkish towels Gwyn was promoting on goop as I am forced to dry off with our plebeian hand towels (sorry roommates/guests). I decide that tonight, we will host a dinner party. My roommates settle on her turkey ragu.
The meal is simple, easy to prepare, and a hit with the guests. We make sure to pair this with red wine, because, heart health. I go to bed much earlier and wake up Sunday feeling none of Saturday morning’s pain.
Emboldened I decide to give avocado toast the heave-ho and try my hand at the sweet potato and five spice muffins. I love both sweet potatoes and baking, so it’s done. They are delicious. It is a household hit, and I think two of the three roommates will want to keep me forever if I keep producing shit like this.
Following another Bar session and a kale salad, I am feeling very Gwyn. Is this what it feels like to be friends with Beyonce? To cap off the weekend, I decide to make the Cannellini Bean and Quinoa Burgers I saw on goop. The recipe is simple, inexpensive as far as Gwyn meals go, and I retain my spot as World’s Favorite Roomie for sharing with my cohabitants. As this is the final night of my weekend with Gwyn, I decide to really treat myself and splurge with the $13 bottles of wine, as opposed to my usual $8.50s.
I awake Monday feeling energized and pleased with myself. This is one of maybe three times I have left the weekend feeling better than I did going in.